(I’m trying so hard to be a normal person. – Originally posted Nov 2016 on my free WordPress site thebackpackingbubble.wordpress.com)
…but it’s hard!
This post kinda follows on from last weeks post – Where will my next destination be? But it’s also a little insight into how my weird brain works – My brain is just not normal!
Anybody who knows me, or anybody who’s been keeping up with my blog posts since I started writing just over 2 months ago now, knows that I struggle with normality. I struggle with being back home and living a normal life. I ask myself things like – Is it just in my head? Is it that I have a weak mentality when it comes to being at home and working? Have I created this thick illusion over the years, where I’ve convinced myself that I can’t just live a normal life; to hide that weak mentality of having to work and be home?
Have I convinced myself that having a normal life isn’t for me and that I was born to just roam the world forever? Or Is is an actual condition ? Is there a medical name, like ADD or ADHD but on a grander scale? Or is it that I just can’t be content, something a little more deep rooted that always makes me want more. Sometimes I even have arguments with myself about why I just can’t be content – Just be ok to live a normal life like the masses around us.
Whatever the reason is, these past two week I have managed to be a normal person, I made it through two whole weeks at work, Yup, that’s right two whole weeks at my regular 9-5 job right here in wet and grey England. It’s been very hard to adjust to work life but I’m getting through it…Just! (Remember though this is the first job I’ve had to have in 17 months, my last was a cushty job in Bali, where it didn’t even feel like work. This is also the first job I’ve had in England in over 6 years)
Like I spoke about in my last post, I need to work for three months so I can go on my next trip but here’s the funny thing and you may laugh at how ridiculous this might sound – I am already counting down the days and looking for other options.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Seriously, two weeks into my job and I’m counting the months, weeks, days, and hours down to when I can leave and live in a new country again. It isn’t even so much the working part, it’s the structure of life and being back at home, the city I work in. I just feel like a caged bird and want to escape as soon I can – What is wrong with me?
All I have to do is make it through three months of working, save my money and leave – It’s that simple – But not to me, three months seems like an eternity.
I will contradict myself and admit these last two weeks have flown by but when I’m actually at work sitting there at my desk it feels like time has stopped. Obviously as it sounds, I’m blowing this all way out of proportion, I can see that as I write these words down- but you tell that to my crazy brain when I’m sitting at work asking myself ‘What am I doing here? and Why I am even back home?
As I’ve clock watched and daydreamed of wondering the world again, different thoughts and options came into my head. Last week I wrote about where I should go next but now I have a few more different ideas. One of them would work and fit perfectly – I could cross over to Europe and work out there for a few months. Chose a country like Portugal, Work for 6 months (If I can make it that long) then travel it, then move onto the next country and do the same. My goal, is to obviously travel again but even if I had to move to Europe and work out there for a few months I know I’d be happy with that more than working here.
Stop bloody complaining, stop making excuses!
Yes, I can hear you all say ‘well just do that then and stop complaining about how much you hate being home’…I hear you loud and clear, the only thing is the timing. It’s coming up to Christmas, it would be nice to spend my first Christmas in 6 years at home.
Who knows? As of right now I am going to be home for Christmas but things could change very quickly – Also if I stay for the full three months I need to I will have more money, I won’t have to look for work straight away…See those are the logic reasons to stay but everyday I’m at work my brain is screaming at me to get out at the end of this first month when I get paid and just float into the wind.
This is the conflict within I deal with, so let’s wait until pay day, and who knows my posts next months might just be from a new country, or i’ll be writing about how I fought against the resistance and I’m still in England. Who knows where I will be in a couple of weeks?
I wrote this post on Sunday, now it’s Monday, I made it through another day at work but with the same internal fight while waiting for 5 pm to come around.
If you’ve made it this far through this post you’re probably wondering what was even the point of this post? Or that there was nothing knowledgeable about this one and it was a waste of your reading time – This gibberish above was just little insight into my weird brain.
Maybe my next post will contain something more informative, maybe!…If there is anybody else who feels the same as me please let me know in the comments or even if you just think I’m being ridiculous.